Aspergery Mother's Day

This was the best Mother's Day ever in our house...and that is not to say that it was perfect, but it was really good.  


I am awakened at say 8 a.m. with loud banging on the door.  It's Red of course. 
"Can I come in?"
"No...we are sleeping." 
He keeps fiddling with the door, finally retreating a few moments later to go down to eat his breakfast.  He's up early because he is going to church and his Pastor will pick him up at 9. 
Half-hour later he's back.  
"I just want to come in and say good-morning." 
So much for sleeping in.
More than wanting to say good morning to me, he wants to come in and play with/annoy the dog.  
He does actually wish me a Happy Mother's Day without prompting, and gives me a hug.  
He made a video for me that he wants me to watch right away. 
You see last year on Mothers Day he was supposed to make this video, but he decided he was just too tired.  In fact, he also decided that his handwriting was so bad, he couldn't even sign my card.  
So this was a huge step in the right direction.  Here's the video:

I must admit this made me smile from ear to ear.  

I have to also acknowledge my husband who really stepped up this year.  He doesn't cook, but he brought breakfast and dinner in.  He bought beautiful cards and flowers for both me and my mother.  He cleaned the kitchen (extremely rare) and did everything he could to keep the boys out of my hair for the day.  Of course, that was the greatest gift! 

Another awesome gift (that I believe was definitely God at work) --Red gave me the gift of leaving the house for most of the day! (I know that sounds bad huh?)  He went to church and then his Pastor dropped him off at his friends house where he spent most of the day.  This allowed Blue to have peace and therefore give me peace, so that I could nap and lounge for most of the day.  Hallelujah! Thank you Jesus! 

Oh...and the long lost son, Slim Shady showed up at the house, not 1 but 2 days in a row.  He actually hung out, ate dinner, watched a movie and the basketball game with his dad and his brothers.  He will be deployed soon to Afghanistan.  I appreciate that he is finally reaching out in his own way, trying to show that he does love his family. 

Blue did his best to hold it together for most of the day and for that I am grateful.  He opted out of doing homework together.  He knew that would probably push him over the edge.  Unfortunately, as soon as Red walked through the door, it wasn't long before the 2 of them were at each other's throats, which was the spark that lit the fuse and sent Blue over the edge and out of the house.  He walked over to our neighbor and friend's house where he cooled down.  

It really was the best Mother's Day I can remember in recent history.  Of course, there is always room for improvement.

While I was lounging in my room, browsing on my computer,  I received 2 comments from exasperated Aspergers moms from last year's Mother's Day post.  Here is one of them: 

"Another heartbreaking mothers day, I actually hate this day. On a whim I decided to look this up to see if it would help. I have talked to my daughter a ton of times today, not one happy mothers day, even when I reminded her, just her going on and on about some boy she is upset about...and by on and on, I mean on and on. This is an extension of a two hour conversation from last night. When I reminded her it was mothers day and she has not acknowledged it she said "I planned to later" When????? I know this sounds bad, but I feel I sacrifice so much for her, and this is the one day I was hoping for a little acknowledgment. HOw did I forget this is how most mothers days are. Now she is upset because how could i kick her when she is down....really????? Ok, another venting hope this helps me get thru the rest of the day."

To these 2 moms I say, there is always hope.  To all of you Aspergers Mom's who did not get the acknowledgement that you wanted, needed and deserved, please know that they do love you.  They show it the best way they can with what they are working with at the time.  Continue to let them know what you want and expect from them.  You may not get it right away, but you may be able to get it from them in the future.  Don't set your expectations too high.  It may not come packaged perfectly with the flowers and bow on top...but it is love none-the-less.  

I also want to acknowledge you here:

You are the best mom you can be

You are enough  

You are loved

"You are a cherished Blessing to the world and to me." -my friend, Elena de Beche 

The Oxygen Mask Project

Today the The Oxygen Mask Project is republishing my post "Dear Diary".  I wrote the post originally for this blog, but I guess it strikes a cord in a lot of moms.  We all have those self-pity, self-loathing days where we think all of these negative thoughts about ourselves.   When we feel like we are just not enough or we don't even know who we are anymore.


Then we have to pick ourselves up...dust ourselves off and keep it moving, knowing that deep inside that we are doing the very best we can with what we have on any given day.  However, it is good to have a little self-reflection at times, because there is always room for a little self-improvement.  Please check out the "Dear Diary" over at The Oxygen Mask Project.


The Oxygen Mask Project also has a wonderful community on facebook.  Click HERE to check it out.


And if you haven't joined the Confessions facebook Community you are really missing out on an informative, supportive, good time!  See you there! 

Freaks, Geeks & Aspergers

Editorial Note: This was written by my 13 year-old son Blue.  He was inspired after reading, "Freaks, Geeks and Aspergers" by then 13 year-old Luke Jackson.  He put this article together...on his own and submitted it to his Language Arts teacher and to the Principal at his school.  The school principal allowed him to read it on the daily announcements.  When he came back to class, his peers gave him a standing ovation: 

Do people call you a "freak?" Do you feel different from others? It may be what others think, but you're not a freak.  You have a gift! Some people have autism and even more have ADHD, but this article focuses on Aspergers Syndrome (AS), which falls under the autism spectrum.  This is a very helpful article.

So what is Aspergers you ask? Well...some kids say it's bad, but it's not! It's defined as a disability but I think it's a gift. (I know, I just repeated) It's also known as High Functioning Autism (HFA).  People who have it have a few problems such as social skills, anxiety and more.  So they may not have a lot of friends. or don't have any friends.  But they are very smart too.  They usually have a special interest and know a lot about it; sometimes they can bore you to death when they talk about it a lot. Some people think that they're freaks because of the bad things.  We shouldn't judge their differences, we should help them, be a friend, support them and be kind.

Now there are other disabilities too.  They also need help.  Some AS peeps can't think about other people's feelings, they are stuck in their own closed world and even repeat themselves.  Don't pick on people who are different because you are too!

For those of you bullies who tease them, or think you're popular, you are wrong.  Popularity is not real. You are no better than them!  Remember, everyone is unique and should be themselves.  It makes me feel horrible when others criticize me for being myself.  You shouldn't have to be someone else to fit in.  You should be able to be yourself.  You chose who you want to be!

People with Asperger's Syndrome may help change the world if we put down our differences and accept each other. When they are adults, they will have worked on and learned how to handle their AS.  Having Aspergers to me, helps me focus on my interest and know a lot about it, like computers and cars.  I try to help others in lots of ways, especially kids with AS.  I even spoke twice at a teachers conference about AS so they could help their students with AS.  I am a compassionate person.

So now you have some information about autism, try to be a friend.  Remember AS peeps, you are not a freak! You are unique.  Others, please be considerate.

If you want to know more about teens with Aspergers, I'd recommend a very good book by a 13 year-old with Aspergers called, "Freaks, Geeks and Aspergers Syndrome."  There are other good books to educate youself.  I would recommend you read them, or just talk to me.  Try to understand people with autism and be patient.

Oh and it's cool to be different.  I hope that this article helped someone's life.  I really want to impact their lives in a good way.

"If we cannot end now our differences, at least we can help make the world safe for diversity." -John F. Kennedy.

While Blue was reading this announcement over the P.A. system, there was an ARD (Admissions, Review, Dismissal) meeting going on.  The parents were facing the option of having their child evaluated for autism and putting him in to the Social skills support system that the school has to offer.  After hearing Blue speak they said, "If you can do that for our son...sign us up!" 


Yep...he got his wish.  He changed at least one life.  I didn't give him the extraordinary math and science gene...but I think I gave him the gift of wanting to make the world a better place.  


I am one proud mama! 


If you are interested in reading the book, to Help Support The Blog you can purchase it here: 

He's Got the Blues

I've been wanting to write a post about medication changes and the blues it's giving Blue.  It's such a draining process and therefore draining subject to think about much less write about.  I've been going through this for so long...first with Red and now with Blue.  A sistah just can't seem to get catch a break.  Now that things have settled down a bit with Red...it's Blue's turn to fall apart.

A good part of this past year has been pretty challenging for Blue.  He's growing and going through lots of changes hormonally, which has had his anxiety and anger factor turned up to max volume.  He has gone from my easy child...to my problematic child as he approached the big 13.  He's inflexible, angry, incredulous, impatient and overwhelmed by all of his many, many thoughts.  His mind is spinning at 100 mph and the rest of us can hardly keep up.  He is making straight A's, however he seems totally spent when he comes home from school because of social issues.  He's so exhausted and drained mentally, yet he pushes himself and makes homework bigger than it has to be.  Most nights by bed-time he is a complete mess.

A little over a month ago we weaned him off of one med and started him on another.  I don't really want to get into specifics because as we all know, each med works differently for each individual child.  Let's just say it's in the SNRI class of drugs, which is supposed to treat depression and Generalized Anxiety Disorder.  We started minimally lets say with 20 mg.  When that didn't seem effective the docs decided to move him up to 40 and then 60 mg, which is the max for his height and weight.

Did it change things for the better? No.  He seemed to become not exactly anxious, but very aware of all of the things and people who really got on his nerves and he felt the need to let us all know about it...angrily.  We were up to at least one explosion a day...at least. So I'm thinking...this is not working right?

The Psychiatrist who always wants to add another med,  but I have to see her because he's making self-harm statements, and I can't get in to see anyone else anytime in the near future...says lets add this stimulant which should help loosing up his rigid thought and explosiveness.  I argue...I put it off...but eventually, out of desperation, I try it...praying that it will help.  NOT!!! I should have followed my instinct! It was like he was on speed.

He had already started this researching electronics obsessively...more obsessively than ever. The new Microsoft store opened up and he had to go to the Grand Opening.  He went and spent several hours and then asked to go back 2 days later.  The obsessions, questions and lists and lists of things to do, buy and research were over the top, to the point where he didn't feel like he had time for homework and showers because he had to do more research for things he can not possibly buy.  He became highly agitated whenever he did not get the response from us that he wanted or when we requested anything from him other than what he wanted to do.

So of course, back to the freaking drawing board.  We scratched the stimulant after about 8 days, which made him like a robot on crack.  A few days later we go into the Neurologist and tell him, hey.. the SNRI is not working either.  He says, let's pull him off of it...slowly.  He brings up the possibility of trying couple of nightmare meds that I've already been through with Red.  Then he brings up a relatively new one called Prystic.  I'm like...hell no!  I don't want to try something else new and put him through this freakin' trauma again!

Non of the SNRI's or SSRI's that we have tried have worked so far.  None of the non-stimulant meds did anything for him but make him sleepy.  The only thing that has ever worked is Abilify.  Then he started growing and going through these hormonal changes and it wasn't working anymore.  Instead of increasing it...the Psych started adding these anti-anxiety, antidepressant drugs.  I want him on as few drugs as possible.  So I tell the doc...here is what we're going to do:

• Take him off of all of this crap except the Abilify. 
• Increase Abilify it to the appropriate dose for his current height and weight. 
• Supplement it with the best possible Omega 3's (and no not one prescribed so big pharma can make money)
• A supplement combination of vitamin methyl B12, Hydroxy B12 and vitamin D 
• Change our diet to high protein, vegetables and fruits and less processed food
• An increase in exercise 
• Psychotherapy individual and family with an autism with a certified BCBA (Board Certified Behavior Analyst)

So that's the plan.  Praying that it works and that he doesn't completely bite my head off in the process. 

"Black Gold"

Despite the meltdowns early in the day, last night I had the pleasure of going to see Esperanza Spaulding...a 27-year-old,  prolific, unique, jazz artist. My husband insists on seeing her every time she's in town.  Last night, I was profoundly happy that he did.  The petite Esperanza slays a mean upright bass, bass guitar and uses her voice as an instrument.  
This song especially seeped into the depths of my soul and brought tears to my eyes as I thought of my own special boys.  I hope that they grow up knowing they are precious, "Black Gold".  In fact, I will make it my goal. 
Hold your head as high as you canHigh enough to see who you are, little manLife sometimes is cold and cruelBaby no one else will tell you so remember thatYou are Black Gold, Black GoldYou are Black GoldNow maybe no one else has ever told you soBut you're golden, babyBlack Gold with a diamond soulThink of all the strength you have in youFrom the blood you carry within youAncient men, powerful menBuilders of civilizationThey'll be folks hell-bent on putting you downDon't get burned'Cause not necessarily everyone will know your worthThink of all the strength you have in youFrom the blood you carry within youAncient men, powerful menBuilders of civilizationThink of all the strength you have in youPowerful, powerful menBuilders of civilizationHold your head as high as you canHigh enough to see who you are, little manLife sometimes is cold and cruelBaby no one else will tell you so remember thatYou are Black Gold, Black GoldYou are Black GoldThere'll be folks hell-bent on putting you downDon't get burnedNot necessarily everyone will know your worthThink of all the strength you have in youFrom the blood you carry within youAncient men, powerful menBuilders of civilizationThink of all the strength you have in youPowerful, powerful menBuilders of civilizationHold your head as high as you canHigh enough to see who you are, little manLife sometimes is cold and cruel[ From: http://www.metrolyrics.com/black-gold-lyrics-esperanza-spalding.html ]

Read more: ESPERANZA SPALDING - BLACK GOLD LYRICS http://www.metrolyrics.com/black-gold-lyrics-esperanza-spalding.html#ixzz1u6pgeMXp
Copied from MetroLyrics.com 


Ladies and Gentlemen here she is Ms. Esperanza Spaulding: 

#AutismPosivityDay -Flash Blog

Dear #IWishIDidn'tHaveAspergers,

We are flashing blogging you today to let you know that first of all you are not alone.  There is an awesome community of people out here in internet-land who would love to connect with you to share love and support with you.
Some of those people have Aspergers or are somewhere along the vast Autism Spectrum.
Some of those people are parents or relatives of children with autism.
Some of them are just the plain old gracious people in the world who love you for exactly who you are now and for who you will become in the future.
I am one of those people.

I have 2 sons on the spectrum.  They both have Aspergers and they are both totally different from one another.  They may even be different than you, but in some ways we are all alike.
We are share humanity.
We are all imperfect.
We all have our special gifts.
We all have obstacles to overcome.
We all have days that absolutely suck...where we all feel like the entire world is against us and that we can't do anything right.

But here's the good news....
Every single day doesn't suck.
On the days that don't...we have to take notice.
We may even have to write down the things that are good in that day.
Even the smallest things like...
The sun is shining.
I have the most comfortable bed on earth.
I had a good meal today.  There are plenty of people in the world who don't.
Some one smiled at me and said hello.
I may not be the most popular person, but I have 1 REAL friend.
Although my parent's bug the shit out of me...at least they love me.
I don't have every thing I want but most of my needs are met.
I am better off today than I was a year ago.
And I promise you ...it will continue to get better...especially after high-school!
Don't let the kids there suck the life out of you before you really have your chance to shine!

The really great thing about you...is that you do have a Special Gift.
You have an interest that you know more about than probably any of your peers.
You see things that they don't have the benefit of seeing.
Hey and guess what...if some of those peers are not nice to you...or don't get you...
Sucks for them!
Because you are freakin' awesome at whatever you truly WANT to be awesome at!

Look at your Aspergers not as a disability but as a superior ABILITY.
Aspergers is the ability to focus on what you truly LoVE!
Aspergers is the ability to think outside of the box.
Aspergers is the ability to solve a problem differently and maybe better than anyone else can.
Aspergers is the possibility to change the world.
I have every confidence that if you truly want to...You CAN DO That!

So have your pity party for a day...like I did yesterday.  (I am human right?)
But don't let those bad days take over your life.
Get out there and do something to help someone else.
Guess what?
Someone out there is having an even harder time than you are!
That's the absolute best way to make yourself feel better.
Help someone...maybe even help those not so nice kids at school
...by letting them know that you see their pain.  They have to be in pain to be treating others so badly.
Go watch something that you think is hilarious and laugh to change your mood.
("I LOVE LUCY" or any thing Chris Rock works for me.)
Get up and get moving!
Dance!
Listen to music.
Did you know you can not be sad and listen to good...upbeat music at the same time.?
Make your list of things that you are going to do to make your life better.
Think about the things you CAN control...because there are so many that we can not.
I promise you ...if you make a list of the positives in your life...they will outweigh the negative.

But even on those suckiest of sucky days...please know that you are not alone.
There is someone in the world who loves you.
I am one of those people.

Join me in my Aspergers Community on facebook 
All of the members today are listing the great things about the Aspie in their lives.  
I'm sure you will see yourself on that list. 


Also if you would like to read more POSITIVE POSTS Click here:

Dear Diary

Warning: This Post is in exercise in self-pity.

I've been a really strange mood lately.  I want to be alone.  I don't want anyone talking to me because I'm afraid I may bite their head off.  I don't want anyone asking me any questions about what I'm doing...what I've been doing...what I'm supposed to be doing.
Yet, when I am alone I'm still not particularly happy.
I am full of thoughts of self-doubt --constantly questioning my parenting decisions.
I am feeling bad about what my kids are facing.
Feeling guilty that the latest medicines that we are trying with Blue -are not working the way that I hoped they would.

I am so happy with my blog and my facebook community.  I love the work that I am doing in helping others feel less alone.  But then I start looking at our financial situation and all of the things we can't do because I don't bring in an income, then I start with the guilt.  We are stuck in the small breaking-down, falling apart house, because we don't have a second income.  I am driving the 10 year-old car with all of the funny noises, because I haven't done anything to change that.  I am writing and doing what I love, but I can't brush away the thoughts of feelings of, you need to get something published.
You need to be making an income.
What the hell happened to you?
You used to be so independent! 

I start thinking about my friendships.  I am blessed to have a lifetime of friends all across the miles, from West Virginia, to California.  My best friend lives a few hours away in Houston.  I love her.  She is my sanctuary. Literally, she provides respite for me every couple of months.  She is the one person that can say anything to, without fear of judgement and she can do the same.  We can talk and text message every day with our most hideous, most ridiculous thoughts and feelings and then laugh and make jokes about them. Then days can go by with no contact, but I never doubt our friendship.

I have extremely close friends in California where I grew up.  I have friends that I have known since I was in middle school, high school friends, friends from my early 20's and so on.  I am proud of these friendships...how no matter how much time goes by without contact, when we do talk or see each other, it's as if we just got together yesterday.  There is no animosity about the different directions our lives have taken and how little time we have to get together or call each other.  I love, value and treasure these friendships.

Most of my girlfriends from L.A. have at some point taken time out of their lives to come here and we have great visits together.  Or when I go there, we must see each other and our time together is just...like home, warm and familiar.

Then I have my virtual friends.  I have developed some great friendships through blogging and facebook.  People who think about me...send me special notes of love and support.  People who make me smile on an almost daily basis.  Women who get EXACTLY where I'm coming from because they too are parents of kids with special needs.  I can make quick contact with them when it is convenient for me from my laptop or phone.  In fact, this ability has made it so convenient that I seldom actually have conversations on the phone.  When I do talk on the phone, I am almost always interrupted by one of my kids, my mother, my husband or even by another phone call...like from the school.

I have somehow let my friendships with local friends dwindle down to next to nothing,  which I feel really guilty about.  I wonder if I've lost these friendships.  Living in Texas has been the only time in my life, where I have actually lost friendships and been disappointed by people who I believed were friends. Sometimes I wonder if it is connected to being a special needs parent.  Some people don't get-it...don't want to get it...get sick and tired of hearing about it.

I have a group of friends I used to entertain all the time here at the house.  We would eat, drink, laugh and talk into all hours of the night.  At some point Blue would become extremely stressed out and ask me,
"When are they leaving?  It's time for everyone to go home so I can go to bed!"
At which point, I would say, "They aren't in your bedroom.  Your bedroom is upstairs.  Just go to bed."
"I can't!"

So slowly the parties have slowed down.  The invitations have slowed down.  Lives have taken different directions.  Friends have had babies, which certainly changes the dynamic and trajectory of your life.  Others have been promoted on their jobs, family dynamics have changed where both spouses are now working outside the home, which means that time for friends and entertainment has changed.

But when I'm alone and in deep thought...I question myself.
Did I do something or say something? 
What happened to our friendship?
Why am I so paranoid?
I'm a good friend...when I have time to be one.

I am now taking care of my mother who is living with me.  Though she is only 72, and has relatively good health,  she still depends on me to help her take care of all personal business, take her to all of her appointments, both medical and otherwise, take her shopping and entertain her at least once a week.  Otherwise, she would never get out of the house.  This takes away from my time to get together with girlfriends.

I am no longer going to workout on a regular basis, which means I don't see my Y -workout girlfriends as often.  We do get together every couple of months for lunch or coffee and catching up.  I joined another local recreation center, which is closer to home.  Yet, I can't seem to make it over there with any sense of regularity.

The last time I had lunch with my workout girls, they asked me to come back to the Y to our Yoga and Zumba classes.  I really want to, but as summer approaches, I doubt seriously if I will have time to work out regularly.

So basically,  my life is totally out of balance and I have to figure out a way to somehow close some of these gaps and get my sh*t together.  All of this while the summer is approaching and I have to figure out ways to keep the boys busy and away from each other as much as possible.  I'm looking at camps,  therapists, social groups and vacations.
Oh yeah...and then there is the house and all of the many little projects that need to be done around here.
It all seems so impossible.
I guess I just have to make a list and try to do one-thing-at a time...
one-day at a time.
I wonder how many days I have left where I can say that?
Life is short and yet it seems to be going by so fast!
If only I wasn't such a scatter-brained, unorganized, discombobulated mess.

Any advice?  I'm always dishing it out yet, I'm feeling like my own life is a mess.