Smiling Manipulators

Editorial Note: This is an open letter that may or may not be real.  The names may have been changed to protect the innocent or the guilty.  The point is...children with disabilities are being manipulated by predators who may come in the form of smiling-in-your-face students who walk the hallways of their elementary, middle and high schools. 

We as parents need to be vigilant in talking to our kids about spending money, buying things, or giving away toys to people who are supposed to be their friends.  A true friend does not continually ask you to spend your money on them or give them things that belong to you. If a peer is asking you for money, and they have never returned the favor, chances are you are being used.  Real friends don't ask you for money, toys or gifts.  

Dear School Administrator, 

I overheard his conversation with my two sons and their friend, who also has a disability, the other night on our way to church.  The young man was telling my boys that he is being asked to buy a certain young lady small snack items, sending him back and forth to the lunch line first to buy cookies then later to buy chips to give to or share with her. After which she says, "Oh...You're so sweet! I love you."  He of course was thrilled by her show of affection.

Both of my sons are on the autism spectrum, however they could both see that he is being used only because this has happened to Red before with another young lady there at the high school.  I personally taught him the lesson of people trying to use him.  People with disabilities are often desperate for friendships and can not readily see that they are being manipulated. 

The young lady involved this time is the same young lady you had my son sign a "Stay Away Agreement" from.  This kind of manipulative behavior is despicable and shows the true character of this young lady who was a part of major drama for my son.  It makes me believe that a lot of the things that happened were over dramatized and that she did play a part in the going back and forth, yanking his chain, being his friend one day, and telling on him like she is deathly afraid of him the next. 

Red told me back then, that you guys are only listening to her ...only listening to the person without the disabilitiy and that no one cares about those who do have one.  This is a part of his anger with Assistant Principals at the high school.  

When my younger son, who is still in middle school heard this young man telling this story, he told him right away that he is being used.  "She is not your friend."  His  reply was that, "I had the money, so I didn't mind." 

I spoke with the Special Education Social Skills teacher about this the following day.  He said he would give a social skills lesson about manipulation and reading cues.  I also spoke with my sons tracking teacher because of course, he was upset that this young lady is continuing to get away with taking advantage of kids with special needs.  My son felt like it was his job to stop it, because administration would do nothing about it. I of course, told my son I did not want him taking matters into his own hands. 

I feel like this matter needs to be investigated. This young man doesn't want to get the girl in trouble.  In fact, as I said, he doesn't even realize this is happening.  My son tells me this kind of thing happens to his friends all the time.  It is the job of the administration to protect ALL CHILDREN, not just the ones who complain the loudest and have the cognitive ability to be manipulative.  When I think about the fact that I have turned my son's schedule completely around because of these kind of situations, with typical students, it really makes me angry. 

Students should be taught tolerance and acceptance of those with differences, instead of having those with differences be punished for their lack of ability to handle certain social situations. 

I will appreciate your investigation into this matter. 

Thank you,

A Concerned Parent 

LaUnia Hinton

I was driving down the street the other day checking my phone at a stoplight, as I am a bit obsessed, when my grandmother, La Unia popped into my mind.

The memory ~

We were at brunch one Sunday with my mom, my sister, sister-in-law and some of my girlfriends.  This was back in the day of pagers, not cell-phones.  I was a Real Estate Agent at the time and so was my girlfriend Glenda.  Glenda's pager kept going off while we were dining at the table.  Of course, she would pick it up and look every time it went off.  It was then that my grandmother said, "What do you do with that thing when you're having sex? I'm just wondering because you check it every five-minutes!"

Everyone's mouth dropped open and we laughed and laughed.  That was La Unia --no non-sense...no edit...just real. I guess that's where I get it from.  A good sense of humor and a taste of smart-ass runs on both sides of my family, maternal and fraternal.  So I have it honest.  Things just fly out of my mouth that are funny, honest and real on a daily basis.  My kids can't stand it,  but that's just too bad. It's who I am. I am thankful to Grandma for that.

As a matter of fact, I remember my fraternal grandmother for much of the same thing.  She would tell you off in a heartbeat.  There was nothing warm and fuzzy about her.  As the sign on her vanity table said, "Don't go away mad.  Just go away!"

Ida V, as we called her my father's mother one day, kept calling me Carol instead of Karen.  When I corrected her saying, "My name is Karen! Not Carol."  She retorted, "If you don't want me to call you Carol...I won't call ya nothin!"

Me and Grandma La Unia

On this Mother's Day I am thinking of my grandmother, La Unia.  I know she is smiling down in awe of the mother that I have become.  She probably would have never imagined it.  She would have loved my husband because he takes such good care of me and he loves to talk as much as she did.  They would have a talking good time together.

You see when she died...I was still in my mid twenties and I was a finger popping, partying, diva.  Sure...I had the steady boyfriend, whom she also loved.  I was a great Auntie to my little nieces and nephews, but a mother? No! Not even on the radar.

Grandma would come and spend months at at time with us.  She lived in St.Louis.  We lived in Los Angeles.  She was there for all of the important moments in my childhood.  She was there for Prom and graduation from high school.  She was there to see my first apartment.  Yes, she came and spent  the night at my apartment even though now I know she was devastatingly ill at the time.

La Unia got on my nerves, just like my mother does now...but I loved her madly.  My grandmother was a professional cook for a living.  So whenever I would attempt to cook, even something as simple as a hamburger, she would tell me how I could do it better.  A hamburger?  Really Grandma? You think I don't know how to make a hamburger? At the same time, if I asked her to make me an apple pie...she wouldn't hesitate.

She never held her tongue.  I don't think she knew how.  If she had an opinion, you can bet she was going to share it with you, whether you wanted to hear it or not.

My mother who now lives with us is the exact the same way.  My kids ask ME a question...my mother answers it.  I'm like -Hello he is talking to me! She gets involved in every conversation and argument that goes on in this house -and there are a lot!

My mother and her mother would fuss, fuss, fuss at each other.  Yet, they couldn't stand to be away from each other for long.  I remember my grandmother looking out the window, waiting for my mother to come home from work each day.  She couldn't wait for them to start fussing at one another!

La Unia Hinton & Beverly La Unia
Grandma and my mom

My mother and I can be the same way.  For many years, I lived here in Texas, while my mother was still in California living with her husband.  I missed her so much.  Yet, we would get into it every time I visited.  She would say or do something to piss me off.  Yet, I would cry every time I drove away to drive to the airport when it was time to come home.

When I would see daughters, and mothers out shopping or having lunch together ....my heart would ache.  I was so sad that I didn't have my mother close enough to do those things with on a regular basis.

A memory~

My mother would call me and my grandmother Jezabels because we loved big, colorful jewelry and loud, vivacious lipstick and makeup.  My mother was ultra conservative.  We didn't care.  Grandma and I would get dressed up and go to lunch and to the movies, with our bright red lipstick and our dangling earrings thinking that we were too cute for words!

Now my mother, Beverly LaUnia lives with me.
We go to lunch and have margaritas at noon on a regular basis.
She sends back her food, if it's not piping hot,  and served as ordered.
I have taken up her love for wine to help soothe the nerves most evenings, although she can still out drink me! And her mother could out drink her! I can't keep up with either one of them in the drinking department.
We go to the occasional movie together, where she complains about how cold the theatre is.  Sometimes, she complains about the amount of sex or cursing in the movie, although she can curse like a sailor herself!
She stays all up in my business, never holding her tongue.
At the same time, she helps me keep my head on straight --reminding me of every detail that I forget.
Apparently, I did not receive her organization gene.
I'm sure my unorganized house drives her nuts.
You see...she has nothing else to do besides mind my business.
She cooks for our family on somedays that we would otherwise have cold sandwiches, or wine for dinner. For this I am eternally grateful.
She also has those days, where she sits and waits for me to feed her like my 4th or 5th child.
She helps me with my laundry.  In fact ...I can't keep up with her in getting it put away.
She tells me like it is when I am being mean to my husband.
Some days, I am still like her little girl.
"Are you going to clean your room before your husband gets home?"
"Your husband hasn't eaten today.  Aren't you going to feed him?"
"Your closet is a wreck! You need to spend the day in there cleaning it up!"
 Stay out of my damned closet Mom! 
She reams me everyday about how much time I spend on my computer.
While I get on her about how much time she spends sitting on her butt -watching that annoying Judge Judy!

Me and Mom -Girls Night Out

Having her live here with me, I can see the dynamics of our relationship is just like the relationship she had with her mother.  They fussed and fussed and loved each other madly.

When we lost Grandma, I thought that my mother would completely fall apart.  She did not. She was much stronger than I ever imagined she would be, although she still misses her to this very day.  But now, we think of Grandma with nothing but happy thoughts and laughter.  Thankful to her for the gifts that she gave us while she was here.

When the day comes, that I loose my mother and I hope that day comes, much later than sooner.  I will think of her, smile and laugh about all the things she said and all of the gifts that she has given me.

Loving you La Unia Hinton, and Beverly LaUnia on this Mother's Day and always...

Blue -A Boy with Aspergers

This boy's sadness is breaking my heart.  

Why can't I fix it?  

Why is there no magic answer? 

Written by Blue...14 Year Old Boy, 8th grade 

Why can't I sleep? 

I've been thinking, about stress in my life, and starting a relationship with a girl. 

My anger and depression is following me everywhere, and my Anxiety is increasing day and night. 

I'm feeling really... different, too different to be accepted by other people. 

Very few of my friends listen. Only the close & loyal friends, which I have very few. 

Other kids have more friends.

It's like I'm invisible to some kids. 

I can't help the fact that I'm different, or how I have a stressful life, even though I'm a good person. 

I can't even talk to kids because the people who are athletic, musicians, or very intelligent is what everyone wants (especially girls.) 

I don't have value to anyone, even though I try to help people and fix life.

I can't control it. 

I mean, I'm going to high school next year, and I want to engage with more people (mainly girls.) That's why I have not been able to sleep. 

I'm sorry that I've been so angry and down on myself, but I'm in a stage of sadness. 

The only thing anyone can do is to listen to me and care. 

This is who I am, the boy with Aspergers.

Hope -Guest Post by Elena de Beche

I have a best friend and kindred sister that I've never met in person...at least not yet.  We met through this blog a couple of years ago.  We became Facebook friends.  We e-mailed each other privately.  She started sending me these wonderful blessings --very uplifting messages that she writes and sends out to a large e-mail group of people that she has met along her path of life.  Her writing is filled with love, wisdom and humor.  I feel warmth in my heart and a sense of peace after reading anything that she writes.  She inspires me to be a more loving being. 

I encouraged her to turn her blessings into a blog.  You can check out her writings at "My Cloud of Peace".  

Elena is the mother of 3 fascinating, very special boys, two teenagers who drive her nuts, and her youngest, G3 is now a 4th grader.  All of the boys have these wonderful names that start with G.  G3, is diagnosed with ADHD and Aspergers.  

I've never met G3 either, but I have come to love him as one of my own because of his beautiful, brilliant mind,  his keen sense of humor, and his fearlessness. He is going to be one of those people who changes the world someday, in fact he already has changed my world.  He is already following in his mama's footsteps.

I bring to you my friend Elena...

 

When Karen said, “You should be a guest writer for my blog”, I was cracking up… what could I possibly write about that would be as fabulous as the things she writes? … She suggested I write about the new school program that G3 is in… hmmmm? I still wasn’t convinced... the program is so wonderful that there is nothing eventful or funny to write about.. I have no communication with the school or the teachers… except for the little slip of paper G3 brings home daily that gives a conduct “grade” for the day… that’s it.. no phone calls.. no emails.. no drama… nothing…

It took me an entire year to get G3 evaluated… every time he was sent to the office and written up and suspended, I requested an IEP, but nothing would ever happen…. He was suspended 47 days and was failing 3rd grade.. fortunately, in Florida, they have a State-wide test called the FCAT that assesses whether a student has learned everything that he needs to know to pass… so, technically, a kid can be an “A” student and still score poorly on the test and would have to take remedial classes to pass… OR.. as in G3’s case, a kid can have “F’s” on their report card and score 3 (it’s a 1-5 scale with 1 being the lowest) and be promoted to the next grade… well, G3 scored 4.. so, he was on his way to the 4th grade.. hurray!! .. NOT... he needed help, I needed help, but no one was helping us.. all they kept saying is, “he is so brilliant, we don’t understand what the problem is..” .. really? You don’t understand? He has a diagnosis from a Neurologist that says he has ADHD combined type and Aspergers… what’s not to understand? He needs accommodations.. “Oh, okay, well, we have to document that in order to request an IEP… we’re going to tolerate his behavior during the evaluation period and not suspend him ..” ….. “really? Gee, thanks” …

So… that’s exactly what happened…. And we endured the torture…. he was doing everything possible to get suspended.. and I was listening to the “play-by-play” of how horrific he was behaving… how none of the other students were able to learn anything with him around… how it was just totally unacceptable.. how he was depressed.. how I wasn’t consistent with him.. how I was too “free-spirited” … and on and on… but, we sucked it up and got the IEP meeting… I couldn’t stand these people already… I didn’t want to hear anything they had to say about my kid… and they had a lot to say…. And all the while, my child with his hoodie on and his head down listening to “their” assessment… all I kept thinking to myself was how lucky they were that I was tired of fighting them… I just wanted him out of that school…

Another teacher joins the meeting towards the end… like an “Ambassador of Goodwill” … she explains this “special” program to us… the kids are held accountable for their behavior… they work on a “point” system that fluctuates like the stock market… there are 2 teachers and an aide for the 9 students in the class… I’m thinking, “Stop talking woman.. of course we are going to that program and like right now, please!!!!.. There are only 2 elementary schools in Miami-Dade County that have this program… we chose the school where the District Psychologist visits so that G3 wouldn’t feel as if he was totally “alone” at his new school.. at least he would know her.. and he liked her, which was a plus…

He, of course, was apprehensive, but when he arrived to a classroom of 9 boys, who all love “Assassin’s Creed”.. well… He was in heaven!!… Yeaaaay!!! …. I, of course, was apprehensive, but when I picked him up and he wouldn’t stop talking about all the “points” he received for his good behavior... and how cool his “new” friends were… and how he loved his THREE teachers… YES…… Amen. Amen. He was finally where he was supposed to be…

Anyway, I decided to write this because tomorrow, May 2nd, is “Take your kid to work day” (oh that’s fun..lol…. let’s be real.. it’s a day off for every one…. I get the field trip form and I say, “G3, you can stay home with Papa… he would love that..” “sure, Mama…. I can play games all day” … (That was last week) … Yesterday, I ask him if he turned the field trip form in and he said, “No, Mama.. I am going to school because only one friend will be there and I don’t want him to be alone.” ……… Hmmmm… well, alright. Today, when I pick him up, I comment it to his teacher and she said, “Well, NO ONE turned their field trip forms in… G3 convinced them ALL come to school… I feel so blessed… lol” …(I think she was being sarcastic) but I responded, “Oh, Ms. May... I feel so blessed, too… my child loves you so much that he WANTS to come to school and WANTS all his friends to come, too…. Last year, at this time, he cried every day because he NEVER wanted to go to school… so, thank you for all that you do… you have made a huge difference in his life…” …. She just kind of stared at me for a moment and then said, “You know, I really love what I do... thank you for reminding me.”

Wow, I have written a lot… and I guess all I really wanted to say was… There is hope… do not give up… everyone has a place in society… and with determination, you can help your child find their place… there are good people and teachers and other kids who will “get” your kid… and they will love them… and they will want them to succeed… your child can be happy.. you can be happy… I know it’s hard to imagine… and believe me, not every day is an “A” day, but the slate is wiped cleaned… and the next day, everyone begins with the same opportunity to have an “A” that day… the program works… since G3 has been in that school, he has received the “Perfect Attendance” award for two grading periods!!!

Last week, I met a woman at tumbling that was having the same kind of issues with her son’s school … I gave her all the information about our new school.. all the contact information for the District Psychologist… all the email addresses.. everything that I could to help her… and at the end of the week, she said, “Thanks.. I’ve made some calls… I written some emails… and I have HOPE now.” ….

Awesome, right? That’s what it’s all about for us…. HOPE!

How My Kids Have Helped Me Grow -Guest Post by Cindy

 Editorial Note: As we wrap up Autism Awareness Month, I bring to you our final Guest Post for the month of April...

Cindy is one of our Confessions, autism mama's.  She is the mother of two amazing boys one of whom is confirmed to be on the spectrum and has an interestingly formed left hand, and one who might have ADHD.  Having children teaches us who we really are.  Having children with special needs teaches us love and compassion beyond any other experience in life.  Here is the story of how Cindy's special boys have changed her forever.

My oldest, M is my Aspie with a 'different' hand. The very first thing I learned from him is that people are not their disability.  Different is not always bad- in fact it is often amazing! This boy was brought up to believe that his left hand was one of many outward signs that God made him special- just like I have dark curly hair and hazel eyes. He internalized it so much that when we were last at the hand Dr he told the Dr,"no! That is a way God made me special!" without looking up from the DS screen! I almost started laughing then and there! 

My boys both had physical challenges growing up, they had many therapies a week- and through that I learned that I grasp concepts of OT and PT very well. I guess I am a good student.   

Motherhood has shown me that I am capable of loving more than I ever thought possible-2 babies are more love! 

Being their mom has shown me that I can find a creative solution to just about any situation! I am creative! (I used to draw, paint and sculpt. They all stopped when I learned to crochet and cross stitch.)  I have always encouraged my kids to be creative and try new art techniques- even finger painting with your knees! They brought my creativity back into my life. 

My little guy, A, has taught me so much about forgiveness and generosity. He will forgive you if you apologize. If you don't you are out of luck. And if you asked for it nicely, he would even share a favorite book with you! They had a fundraiser for the earthquake victims in Haiti a while back- and A was so excited about giving his dollar so he could wear a hat in school that he couldn't stop grinning! A cheerful giver lives here! He taught me that even things I need to give to, there is a joy in having enough to give 

M has taught me an amazing amount about finding my strengths. He is amazing at science, computers and ART- takes after his Mom I guess. His life has challenged me to re-examine who I am and where my strengths lie.

One of  my creative outlets for a while was in making the boys birthday cakes. One looked like Blue's house from Blue's Clues, Elmo, Thomas the Tank Engine, Power Ranger, Death Star and I am sure I missed one or 2. 

I have learned that I am a very creative person and that when my creative outlet is not available, I get downright irritable!

ADHD means: playing video games and having a coherent conversation actually can happen! 

Hypersensitive hearing is great for correcting people on the phone. It is also excellent in knowing who just pulled into the driveway or locating a cat 

I learned how to love by watching both of my boys with our cat, Yoda, and with each other. They both want to have the cats attention. But M wants to give the fur baby a full body hug and Yoda is not inclined to accept that as a hug. A wants to pet Yoda. And Yoda loves them both. 

Cindy's Boys

My Boys bicker- they are preteen and teenaged- but they always look out for each other when the other one is upset. They check in with each other when they get home from school, and before bed. Just a ,"Hi Bro" but it is very meaningful. 

I have learned that it does not all have to be perfect! And that I will never be this elusive perfect person no matter what. 

I learned that the schedules I made for them as small children have prepared them for adulthood. We do not have too many rush around mornings- especially my Aspie! He turned 15 last year and he just started being responsible.

I have leaned that I can survive on 6 hours sleep or less! Don't recommend it but I have achieved much in that state.I now understand the term 'silence is golden!' A is a little chatterbox so when he quiets down I am relieved.

Special is the right word to describe my boys ...courageous, happy, and handsome. They have brought me back to life and they are my real life heroes!

May blessings follow you wherever you go!

Aspergers and Team Sports -Guest Post by Molly

Guest Post~

I am excited to bring you today's post, written by Molly, one of our Confessions autism mamas.  She is the mother to a 4th grade boy with Aspergers.  He was diagnosed near the end of 2nd grade.  This is their story of learning to play team sports.

Where we live there are many sports opportunities and we have tried many of them.  You don't know if you're going to like it if you don't give it a try, right?  Most seasons are just a few weeks long for the young ones so you haven't lost much if you don't enjoy the sport you picked.  One of the first things we tried was soccer.  For the preschoolers it is parent/child together skill building with a few scrimmages.  This went OK for us as all the preschoolers were just as clueless and uncoordinated. 

A couple years later we got to team soccer where each week we had a practice and a game.  He wanted to go to soccer each week, but wasn't really "into it."  Practices were fine because there were many adults working in small groups with the kids.  There was always someone available to give a reminder or take the time to practice a skill with the kids. So many of the kids were simply not that   good at the sport yet either.     

At the games my son would often be unsure where he was supposed to go next. He would look to the coaches for suggestions.   Looking back he responded better when people would show him rather than give verbal instruction.  He would play his part of a quarter a couple of times and then be "just done" with the game for the day.   He was assessed and diagnosed just after the soccer season ended that year.  

After diagnosis, of course I did alot of  research.  One thing I learned was that kids with Aspergers just don't play team sports well.  That was fine for other kids, but mine wanted to play team sports.  I was determined to find a way to make this successful for him.   

The following year he decided to try basketball. Unfortunately basketball is a fast-paced game and my son is a slow processor.    Most boys from our school played in a different league; we didn't know many families on this team and they didn't know us.  I went to the coaches before the season began to ask how we could work together to help my son play basketball.  Imagine my surprise & delight to find out that one coach was a SpEd Phy Ed teacher and the other was an Autism Specialist!  Together we made accomodations to the game that both allowed my son to be successful and allowed the rest of the  boys to have a good season.  

Books

We went to the library to find books about basketball.  When we got to practice, my son had an idea about the game and the vocabulary of the game.  

Simplify Positions

The league encouraged every kid to try every position.  This was simply too much processing for my son.   We settled on teaching him just 1-2 positions to play for each game.   He knew he could expect to be in one spot when the team was on offense and another spot when on defense.    This is also realistic of team sports as kids get older - players are often guards or forwards but not both. 

Adapting Plays

Our coaches were teaching the boys to run plays in their games.  They made sure that my son's role in each play was about the same.   Not very effective at outsmarting the opposing team, but it helped my son successfully execute his part in the play.    

Breaks

This league was a no substitution league - the purpose was for every player to get an equal amount of playing time.   Each player was to play a full quarter at a time - way too much for my son.   He would play a few minutes at a time before he needed a break.   The coaches & I learned to read the signs that a break was needed.  Everyone wanted to give him as much playing time as he could handle.  He would start the quarter, play a few minutes, take a break, then finish the quarter.  Before each game we would talk to the officials to explain the situation.   They were always flexible and allowed us to make these substitutions.  

Visual Cues

One thing we know about kids with Aspergers is that visual cues are a huge help.  But how to make visual cues for basketball?   The coaches, my son & I worked together to create hand gestures to signal actions.  We also brought along a small white board to write or draw cues for the game.   There was a spot on the court that looked like  a block.   If my son was to go to that spot, we would pat our heads - block heads.   When he was to go to the "elbow" on the court we would touch our elbows.   When calling plays we would write a symbol for the play on the white board and hold it up.    When the messages were received my son would flash a thumb up.   

We also used hand gestures to gauge his need for a break.   He could flash us a thumb up, down or in the middle to let us know how soon he would need a break.   Both the coaches and officials had a clear-cut way to know when a substitution would be needed. 

Teammates

We couldn't have asked for a better team.  The boys learned to be tolerant and helpful to my sons struggles.   The parents were supportive of the accommodations made.   We never did a big lesson in Autism awareness, but let the boys know a bit about why we were having my son do certain things in practices or games.   Of course the boys knew my son was different.  

Near the end of the season things began to "click" for my son.  During one game my son knew exactly what to do.  He went to his spot and got ready for someone to pass the ball to him.  The ball came his way.  He turned, dribbled and took a shot!     I was stunned to look over in the stands to find every parent on our team cheering for my son.  Some were so proud of him that they had tears in their eyes.  The game was delayed a few seconds while his teammates congratulated him.   

We finished out the season feeling successful at team sports, proving to ourselves that kids with Aspergers CAN do anything with the right support. 

My Aspergers Story -Guest Post by Paul

Editorial Note: Today's Guest Post is brought to you by Paul, another member of my "Confessions Facebook Community" . Paul and I have never met personally, but I can tell you that he is a gentle spirit and an essential, positive part of our supportive community. He offers us insight as someone who is on the spectrum himself, as well as being a married father of two children with Aspergers, a business owner and homeschool teacher for his son. You will be touched and amazed by his story. Without further adieu...

~~~~~~~~

My Aspergers story actually started back in 1971, although I wasn’t fully aware of it for most of the last 42 years.  I was one of those undiagnosed kids with whom autism rode shotgun as a silent partner throughout most of our lives, undetected by most of society and not fully realized until well into adulthood.  Had it not been for Aspergers beginning to show itself in the lives of my own kids approximately 7 years ago, I might have gone my entire life without ever knowing what Aspergers was at all.

As a child growing up undiagnosed in the 70’s and 80’s, without the benefits of early diagnosis, IEP accommodations, behavioral therapies, or the blooming awareness we enjoy today, life wasn’t always a perfect picture.  In fact, it got pretty ugly sometimes.  What I’m sure I looked like from the outside was a very socially awkward teenager with no ability to self-regulate, an explosive temper, poor executive function skills and no filter to speak of whatsoever.  What few self-taught coping skills I had seemed to center mostly around imitating the behaviors of others, and unfortunately those ‘others’ were mostly the types of people who should never be imitated at all.  I often found myself on the wrong side of those who loved me and seemed to have a knack for hurting them more than anyone else.  

I also had a way of finding myself frequently engaged with law enforcement as well, and had been arrested at least a half-dozen times by the time I was 19.  To say the least, I had some behavior challenges. Most of the years between being a teenager and young adult, when most kids are applying for college and planning for their future, I had managed to work my way into a solid 5 year federal prison sentence at a US penitentiary in southern California.  (Note: This part of my life is really a whole ‘nother blog...much too long to get into here...but if you’re a parent raising kiddos you think are maybe on a similar track...feel free to contact me anytime!  I’ve got a few good insights and am always willing to talk about it!) : )

More importantly than any of that though, as I grew into a young man with what was yet undiagnosed Aspergers, I was able to overcome those challenges and turn it all around for good.  The years between 22 and 26 were ones of tremendous change and growth for me because of some unlikely individuals that really reached outside their comfort zones and invested heavily into my life.  I didn’t deserve this help, I didn't ask for it, but they didn’t let any of that stop them anyway, and their actions became a huge catalyst for change.  I walked out of prison almost 15 years ago to the day - April 29, 1997 - and I have never looked back.  

In the years that followed I was able to get married, start a family, have two beautiful kiddos, own my own business and enjoy a successful career in landscape architecture and project management.  My kiddos, both with Aspergers, are now 10 and 11 years old.  They are the best things about me, and the reasons behind everything I do. The most recently written chapters in my life have seen me shift careers into working for a local area non-profit organization that exists solely to help special needs children and their families, take up advocating for autism services and education, and also beginning to homeschooling my own son.

Paul and his Beautiful Family

It’s easy, knowing what I do now, to look back and see the fingerprints Aspergers has left all over my life...and not all of them are bad.  Some are extraordinarily beautiful.  Truth be told, the vast majority are positive. While I recognize that things might have been very different for me had I gotten an early diagnosis or known some of the things about AS that we know today, I also don’t feel like it’s fair to place all of the blame for my early struggles squarely on having it.  Challenges, struggle, mistakes, bad decisions, not getting things we need, facing consequences...these are issues that everyone in life deals with regardless of your neurological standing  A life without Asperger’s doesn’t mean a life free of conflict or bad times. Those things will find you no matter what. More than that, I feel like Aspergers gave me the tools and strengths that I ultimately needed to help overcome many negative situations.  I consider it a blessing.  And that’s not to say it’s fun or that it’s not frustrating and maddening or enough to drive you wonky some days...because we all know it is all of those things and more, but what I am saying is that I truly feel like my life is better off from having been touched by Aspergers than I would have been by not having it at all.

Along the journey of these past 41 years, I’ve picked up many things here and there from people much smarter than myself.  They’ve sown into my life without the thoughts or hopes of anything in return, and if I could pass on even just  3 of those things closest to my heart to any parent, child, adult or other person dealing with Aspergers and autism in anyway, this is what I would say:

Serve others

Have you ever noticed that the happiest people you see are generally the ones who are doing something for someone else?  The ones who are giving selflessly and investing of themselves into the lives of others?  The ones who offer encouragement and plant seeds of hope without any expectation of receiving back anything in return?  Be that person.  Encourage others, walk beside them, and share your experiences.  I wish I was a smarter guy and could tell you exactly why this works...but the simple truth is that I can’t.  I just know that it does.  Somehow there is power in setting aside your own problems and conflicts and struggle, and turning your focus toward helping others through theirs instead.  Serving others has been something I practice with my children regularly, from homeless shelters to mowing yards for elderly folks to carrying grocery bags at a store...again, I don’t know why, but the blessing you receive in a situation like that is far greater than any you give out.  It works.

Fear is a liar

Fear will cripple and paralyze you faster than anything else. It’s relentless. It will seek to isolate you, fill you with doubt, and leave you feeling helpless.  Fear might tell you that you’re alone in your struggle.  It might tell you that everything is your fault.  It might tell you that you’re not capable of changing anything.  Fear says it’s too late; there’s nothing that can be done. Fear will tell you that people won’t understand you, that you’re alone, and it will ridicule you to no end.  Fear will make you feel embarrassed and insecure. Don’t believe it for a minute. Fear is a liar and a thief.  Surround yourself with positive people who speak truth, share experiences, and walk alongside people who support and understand you.  Learn encouragement and forget judgement.  Challenge fear at every turn; make it prove you wrong.  Find new ways, breathe new life.  Try new things and don’t be afraid to fail.  Toss the rule book.  Forget how things have always been done.  Explore options.  After all, if the fear speaking to you is right, then what have you got to lose?  When fear says ‘quit’ or ‘why even try’, that’s exactly when you should stand up and thrown in everything you have.  The fight is worth it!

Celebrate what is

Everyday.  Every little thing.  Celebrate it.  Be grateful for small things and never take them for granted.  Small things become big things.  Focus on the positives and develop those first.  Point out what a person does right, and be willing to leave alone sometimes what they do wrong.  I’m not saying ignore it, or refuse to deal with it.  We should always be committed to making progress and positive change, but I’m saying don’t wait until a certain trait, issue, challenge, struggle or anything else is perfectly resolved before you celebrate it. Any progress, any victory, and small step forward is cause for big celebration in the world of autism. Gratitude is a beautiful and powerful thing.  It can overwhelm troubles and bad attitudes like nothing I’ve ever seen.

You all in this community bless me everyday and I’m humbled to be a part of it. 

Many thanks to you all : )

I can only hope that one day my boys will be as successful and inspirational like Paul . Thank you again for sharing your story with us. You can best believe...this is one story that I will make sure my children and my husband read. ~Karen